I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
