After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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