were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
