im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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