How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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