Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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