I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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