OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
