i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
