You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
