I think my vagina is haunted
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
