chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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