Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
4 words: hood of his car
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
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