Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
