my mouth tastes like poor choices
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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