I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
