When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
