My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
