I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
my shit smells like andre
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
