you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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