if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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