Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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