ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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