apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
