the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
