Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
