saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
