I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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