So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
