I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
