I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
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