Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
