Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
