The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
