Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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