I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
