Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
