see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
