worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
