new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
