i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
