If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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