Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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