Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
