Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
