We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
