dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
