Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
