it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
