so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Bring me that man meat
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
